Praise-worthy

A Wall Street Journal business reporter discovered an interesting social trend that’s backfiring now and sort of correcting the course we’re on as a society that has invested heavily in self-esteem. (WSJ requires subscription)

For management consultant Jerry Pounds, toasters were a turning point.

He had built a lucrative career advising companies on ways to praise employees, especially younger ones, who grew up bombarded with soccer trophies, parental applause and stroking at school. Mr. Pounds figures he trained 50,000 supervisors, encouraging them to pass out cartloads of prizes, plaques and praise-engraved knickknacks.

Then several nurses who received toasters as incentives told him they were insulted. “I got into nursing to care for patients,” one said, “not so I’d be rewarded with toasters.”

Here’s the moral of the story…

Mr. Pounds says he came to some realizations: Unearned praise is condescending and destructive, incentives become entitlements and “we’ve ruined our kids” by celebrating mediocrity.

We’ve dumbed down education and defined down standards and nearly done away with discipline in the name of self-esteem. I’ve had career school teachers tell me this story, and how it has “ruined our kids.” Those kids are now in the business and professional world, and the trend has followed them there.

Mr. Pounds contacted me in response to my recent Weekend Journal article on praise in today’s workplace. It explained how companies are celebrating young employees by throwing confetti at them, passing out “applause notes” and giving them kudos just for coming to work on time. The article drew attention from bloggers, talk-radio hosts, and a slew of emailing readers. Advice was sharp:

Rain on their parades: Many argued that to counterbalance our praise culture, young people need reality slaps. David Dumpe, a professor at Kent State University, now begins each semester by asking students: “How many of your parents raised you by saying you can be anything you want to be?” Two-thirds raise their hands, he says. He then asks: “Do you realize that’s a bunch of baloney?”

In Iowa, a teacher tells incoming seventh-graders: “Your entire life you have heard from parents that you are wonderful — the center of the universe. It’s not true. You are not wonderful. You are one of many.” In part because of his refreshing bluntness, this teacher is beloved by students, a colleague writes.

Some readers praised “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell for refusing to join America’s lock-step praise parade. College professors say they wish they could be like Mr. Cowell in evaluating students, but universities want ego-boosting Paula Abdul-esque professors.

Hold on now….let’s don’t hold Simon Cowell up as a standard. And I don’t know about the merit of the above statements by the professor and the teacher, though it’s sure telling that his students love his style.

We need to get the standards and the balance back.

Maintain perspective: One reader pointed me to a storied moment in the career of conductor Otto Klemperer. He never praised his orchestra, until one day, pleased with a rehearsal, he uttered a curt “good.” His stunned musicians burst into applause. The conductor tapped his baton on his music stand, silencing them. “Not that good,” he said.

Ban fake back-patting: Mr. Pounds argues that people “know when they’re being worked,” and if a supervisor is a jerk, giving him training in meaningless-praise techniques will only lead underlings to consider him a jerk with new tricks. “People want to know how they’re doing,” he says. “Don’t sugarcoat it. Just give them the damn data.”

Get with the times: Young workers today aren’t all spoiled attaboy-addicts, says Ryan Paugh, 23-year-old co-founder of EmployeeEvolution.com, a site for “millennials at work.” But he agrees that twentysomethings today are hungrier for feedback than previous generations were. “People think of praise in the coddling sense. But what we want is guidance and mentoring — and praise telling us when we’re on track.” He warns that older generations ignore this at their peril: “Our population will rise as yours declines. No matter what is said about us, you have to adapt to us, not the other way around.”

We should want to adapt to this turnaround as nature corrects our course. We should want to embrace the opportunity to set higher standards and expectations, give guidance in values and virtues and excellence, and mentor younger people in whatever gifts and talents we have because they are eager to learn and to achieve. And they deserve the satisfaction of knowing they really have achieved, and enjoy the rewards

Your kids are on to you: Readers wrote about soccer leagues that don’t keep score to avoid hurt feelings; so the kids keep score in their heads. And parents have to pay “trophy fees” before sports seasons even start. Kids know these trophies are bought and not earned.

Several readers sent me dialogue from the 2004 animated film “The Incredibles.” There’s a scene in which the superhero mom tells her son, “Everyone’s special!” The boy mutters: “Which is another way of saying no one is.”

Everyone is special and unique and deserving of respect by virtue of our humanity. But it’s true respect – and most valuable – when we expect the best of the person, encourage them to reach it, and say ‘nice job’ when it’s done well.