Terms of engagement

I’ve been planning to write this the better part of the week. Now Peggy Noonan has this terrific column in the WSJ that rounds out the message….of how we treat each other.

There are good things and bad in the Gilded Age, pluses and minuses. I write here of a minus. It has to do with our manners, the ones we show each other on the street. I think riches, or the pursuit of riches, has made us ruder. You’d think broad comfort would assuage certain hungers. It has not. It has sharpened them.

Rude is the right word. I’m not sure if it’s a top-down thing, or a bottom-up, but the culture makers are sure spreading rudeness. And pushiness. Noonan describes scenes from everyday shopping and browsing that would be funny if they weren’t so…familiar. I’m sitting here nodding at them all, because they happen to me every time I’m in a store, and I’ve been wondering lately when the retail world and service industry underwent this massive marketing and sales transformation that makes them more aggressive.

Like when you’re accosted just over the threshold of a store and followed (stalked is more like it) without the polite but reassuring “I’m here if you need me.” I don’t like shopping to begin with, but I dread this hovering chatter pushing merchandise or sales or deals.

There are strategies. You can do the full Garbo: “Leave me alone.” But they’ll think you’re a shoplifter and watch you. Or the strong lady with boundaries: “Thank you, if I need help I’ll ask.” But your reverie is broken. Or the acquiescent person: “Take me under your leadership, oh aggressively friendly salesperson.” But this is bowing to the pushiness of the Gilded Age.

You leave the floor for the street and meet the woman with the clipboard. “Do you have two seconds for the environment?” Again, not a soft question but a challenge. Her question is phrased so that if you don’t stop and hear her spiel, you are admitting you won’t give two seconds for the environment, or two cents for it either. You give the half-smile-nod, shake your head, walk on. She looks at you as if you’re the reason the Earth is going to hell.

So that woman is in New York as well as Chicago?! No…there are just legions of people like that out there these days. We’re getting a lot of door-to-door soliciters and activists well trained in challenging politely declining homeowners to answer just one question, or daring them to decline a spiel that “will just take a moment.” It’s finely tuned pushiness. Or ‘in your face’ guerilla marketing.

I never liked that phrase and always wondered why it’s marketed as a selling point. Who wants anyone in their face?

But there they are…

I’m in a local restaurant with a friend. We sat down 40 seconds ago and are starting to catch up when: “What do you want to drink?” An interruption, but so what? We order, talk, my friend is getting to the punch line of the story when: “We have specials this evening.” Not, “Let me know when you’re ready to hear the specials.” We stop talking, listen. The waiter stands there, pad in hand. “You ready?” If you ask for a minute, he’ll nod and be back in exactly one minute. “Do you know yet?” Again, this is not a request. One is being told to snap to it.

Happens all the time. No sense of timing or sensitivity to people engaged in conversation. And speaking of that, there are the loud people on their phones…

Cellphones are wonderful, but they empower the obnoxious and amplify the ignorant…

It is possible that we are on the cellphone because we are lonely and hunger for connection, even of the shallowest kind; that we BlackBerry because we hope for a sense of control in a chaotic world; that we are frightened of stillness and must interrupt conversations;

It’s also possible we have grown more boorish. I think it’s that one. Many things thrive in the age of everything, including bad manners.

Bad manners is the point. Last Tuesday it came up in my conversation with Sean and Wendy on Relevant Radio’s Morning Air when we were talking about the presidential debates. (I think it’s still up there in audio archives.) We talked about the lack of respect for the titles or office of the candidates, Senator or Governor or whatever, which extends to lack of respect for the office of the Presidency. No matter what the party or beliefs of any candidate, they all have stepped up to hold public office and serve the people, and that deserves our appreciation. And respect.

Ben Stein comes to mind. He’s a writer, actor, economist and regular contributor to Fox News, especially Neil Cavuto’s business show. That’s where I’ve heard him, on different occasions, ask what’s happened to manners. It’s fine to engage in debate about politics, the economy, the war. But do it with respect for the other person and for your listeners, Stein said in response to name calling and interruption, neither of which are polite. “We should act like gentlemen” he chastened, and with that statement might have been as startling to modern ears than any shock jock.

I received a polite letter from Richard the other day who heard the radio conversation and wanted to add his concerns that the lack of respect for public officials extends to Church clergy, from the Pope to the parish priest. The point is, when standards are defined down in a culture, we engage each other more aggressively, without the honor people deserve. Richard wrote: “Respect is powerful–and rare, isn’t it?” Yes sir, it is.